I complain a lot

I was just thinking about most of the stuff that I sit and think about...and the majority of it is pretty negative thinking....I'm not sure why I do this or how I got to be the way I am now but I hate it. See! I'm even complaining about myself right here, right now! But really, I have become a different person than what I used to know to be myself. Don't get confused because the previous line just made serious sense-it did.

I used to be positive, look at the bright side of things, and generally be a happy-go-lucky person. I think I was. Now, all I can think of is how I hate being at work when I'd rather be free somewhere or doing something else. Or, sometimes, I sit and complain in my head about how bored I am or how I have no friends (I do have friends but life is not always one big party--I must remind myself). I get lonely a lot a start this negative thinking. Hubby has been in school for a long time and we're finally getting to the end of that journey--he gets his Masters in December. Life has been challenging and I think all the stress is getting to me.

Over the weekend I was looking at some of the pics Hubby had taken of me and my daughter and couldn't help but notice how old I'm looking. I said to him, "all the pics next to Lili make me look so old!" He just started to laugh and say, "anyone's picture next to her will make them look old! She's a baby!" While I know he's right, I can't deny the lines that have vertically made their mark along my cheeks (facial cheeks;)-the lines I notice every time I smile. Boo for getting old! I am complaining, I am!

But yeah, I complain a lot...I look at what isn't there and want to focus on what I have. I must say though, this morning, as I watched my baby crawl along the ground I couldn't help but to thank God for how perfectly healthy and beautiful she is. I feel so lucky to be her mom because she is such a gift.

it's been years

I felt like writing on this thing again only for the sake of keeping an online journal. I know that that is a bit selfish but I really need to write and haven't done it in so long and am glad to get back to it. I'm not expecting anyone to read this thing but I realize, looking back, that even if no one else reads it...it's really an awesome way of keeping track of yourself and all that you go through from year to year. Glad to be back.

I am feeling the pangs of PMS tonight and just thought I'd announce it to the world. I start to feel nervous, anxious, worried, fearful, and try and control things even more than I normally do at a time when it's really the last thing that I should be doing. Anyway, I've begun to take strides towards controlling myself from trying to do too much. For example...I try and to some of the most stressful errands like paying bills online or looking at my taxes an hour before I go to bed because that's when I start to worry about it--tonight, I held myself back from doing that very thing. It was so hard but I saved myself from me.

Just a little milestone to share.

New Job, New Start, New Blog--finally!!!!

For those of you out there that haven't heard from me in a long time. I so apologize. I've been M.I.A for a while since my work at JADAC began. I guess I was overwhelmed and worked too much--not to mention the odd second shift hours that killed my sense of humanity as well as any chance of a social life. I used to work 2-10:30pm Sunday-Thursday and worked Saturdays at the radio station. I still kept my radio job but guess what you guys!!!

I have a new job and a new sense of self. It feels great and I'm really looking forward to learning and being a part of a winning team. I now work for FOX 41 WDRB here in Louisville as Creative Service Coordinator. I handle FOX promos and also handle Public Service Announcements and decide when they'll air. I started this job on Monday Jan 23 and I'm writing this on my third day at work. They're in the midst of changing software programs and so it's been awkward for my manager to train me but I'm being a good girl and waiting patiently.

Bo is doing well and is studying non-stop. This equals boring time for us as a married couple but this will only last another 3-4 years! Yippeee! I support him, don't get me wrong. I just feel like I have to sacrifice a lot of what I want out of these years of young married life since he's so busy studying that we don't do much in the arena of socializing, etc. He is applying to "better" schools in efforts to get in to a good Engineering program. We'll see. The only sucky thing is that I think I'm gonna really like this job and have a sense that there's a lot of room to grow at this station. I just don't know how much more I'm willing to sacrifice for my career. I'm sick of moving and changing jobs and not being able to develop where I am. All I can ask for is God's will. I want Bo to do well but I also want to do well as well:) Nice play on words, eh?

Promise I'll write more--more often.
Promise.

such shame and guilt

hola loved ones. i have been MIA and do apologize. i just had my head in the clouds and my mind hasn't been so clear. earlier i was reading roya's blog and it hit me how long it's been since i've felt that clarity of purpose. i hope that we can all get that feeling--and that we can all sustain it. i think it's the steadfastness in life that is the hardest. we all go through our ups and downs but when we're up...it's hard to really stay there=but i guess that kinda' defeats the purpose of life--i mean, always staying up--if there were no 'down' times, i guess we wouldn't really know when we were 'up' and doing all the right things and staying focused.

anyway. i just got back from a 6 day trip from chicago and feel great to be back. i looked out the plane window as we were heading in to our "final descent in to Louisville" and i saw how beautiful Kentucky really is. clear blue skies and the darkest and most lush green grass and trees. i really urge you to come and visit here sometime--to visit me and this beautiful land. it made me realize that although i'm not living in a huge city--atleast i'm living in a great environment where you can drink the water from tap and where you can take in all of nature and all it has to offer. it's just beautiful here!

on a different note, i got a fulltime job! yay! i shoud've mentioned this earlier but it still hasn't hit me. i'll be working at a drug and alcohol rehab center as an inpatient counselor. i'll be a lower level counselor and i'll be able to really learn on the job. the hardest part of this job is the population of dependent people that i'll be working with but it's also the most amazing aspect of the job. i'll be able to really learn alot about myself and to be able to also give hope to others.

i'll post an update once i start. i'll also continue my radio gig although i may have to drop sunday morning classical music hosting. i just don't want to work all the time and can't fathom waking up on sunday morning-working til 2pm and going in to my fulltime job that same day from 2-10:30pm. my new work schedule is from sunday to thursday.
yay!

Hmmmm

Well friends. Things are looking up. I don't know how but they just are. The sun is out more, I'm opening up my eyes to new opportunities--although it's still very difficult to see why I should consider them. But then again, no, that's wrong...I see clearly that I should consider them because for some apparent reason I cannot find an opportunity that fits my profile. I mean, I can't get a job I like. In layman's terms, I'm pretty much screwed and can't turn down a job that I'm not all that interested in ESPECIALLY since I need the money. Shooh!

Alright, it was good to vent. I'm exhausted now. After a day of spending time at a potential workplace without getting paid and coming immediately to the radio station to host 5 hours of Classical Music programming...well, you can see why I'm tired.

G'bye for now. Or as the Chinese chatters say "88"--the number eight in China is pronounced Ba-Ba--so, being clever as they are (and they love the word "clever"), they developed that little quick way of saying Adios, TA-TA, Khodafez, Zai-Jian, Arivederchi (sp?), O'vua (sp?), Ciao!

in like a lamb, out like a lion...or is it the other way around?

dude,

can the weather in louisville, kentucky be more confused? I think not. last weekend it was 68 degrees fahrenheit. today it's 38 degrees and snowing. whack is not the word. besides that, all is looking better. i worked all last week and this week i was lucky enough to land a temporary gig for the week that taught me that i do not EVER want to answer a phone at an office or make coffee. no, i do not and have never dreamed of being an Administrative Assistant but now that i have experienced it temporarily, i can say with conviction that it sucks and it especially sucks if you have to be under the wrath of some old dude who is still as insecure as he was as a zit-faced teenager. reason that this sucks is because this kind of guy that tends to be on the less confident side, will take his issues out on you in the form of a power trip. emails that he himself can print will be printed by you. coffee mugs that he should rinse out after using, will be washed by you. and the toilet seat will always be up even after his umteenth tinkle of the day--an investment in adult diapers might need to be considered for this sort of dude. anyway, it was an experience.

anyhoo. i've been trying to live life daily and not stress about what the next thing will be. i just can't care that much anymore. i don't mean that i don't care. but i guess the universe is working for us all and my time will come. i don't know what's gonna be my next step in the "circle of life" (think Elton John) but i am sure that i will find out.

so out with the old, in with the new! in like a lamb and out like a lion or whatever it is. let it happen and let it be, let me see! alright, i'm getting on my own nerves already!

better late than never

i have been lost in a storm of brain fuzzies and it's just taken a long time to get clear. i'm not totally out of the clouds but i'm getting there. speaking of clouds, i was so desperate to find a job that i almost went to atlanta for 3 weeks to train to be a flight attendant for a chartered airline. when i told my parents, they were confused, to say the least. some people were happy for me that i found something and were even saying how great i'd be at that line of work--in the back of my mind i'm saying..."yeah, but i'd be good at a lot of things." i think i almost needed someone to say, "Tina, don't do it. It's retarded." My sister said it and my parents were not pleased and last night after finishing my shift at the radio station--it hit me. I would have to quit something i really enjoyed in order to have a fulltime job with benefits--true--but a fulltime job where i'd never know where i'd be--a job that is sooooo random--a job where i could possibly die doing--and a job that is kinda' lame now that i think about it (no offense if you are a flight attendant:) . So last night i was supposed to go home and pack for today's trip to atlanta--a trip where the ticket is already booked and the room is already booked (by the airline). Anyway, so i am not gonna go. I didn't sign any contracts and i even tried contacting them several times to let them know last night and today. i've had no call back from them and figure i've done what i could. i know it's irresponsible not to go at such late notice but at the same time, it would be unfair to waste their time in a 3 week training class. it was a hard decision to make since i'm financially defunct but i'm gonna save myself some remorse and sit this one out.

just thought i'd write to let you know i'm still here but haven't really been here for a long time. truly.