Chai Na

I complain a lot

2010-02-22T21:00:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking about most of the stuff that I sit and think about...and the majority of it is pretty negative thinking....I'm not sure why I do this or how I got to be the way I am now but I hate it. See! I'm even complaining about myself right here, right now! But really, I have become a different person than what I used to know to be myself. Don't get confused because the previous line just made serious sense-it did.

I used to be positive, look at the bright side of things, and generally be a happy-go-lucky person. I think I was. Now, all I can think of is how I hate being at work when I'd rather be free somewhere or doing something else. Or, sometimes, I sit and complain in my head about how bored I am or how I have no friends (I do have friends but life is not always one big party--I must remind myself). I get lonely a lot a start this negative thinking. Hubby has been in school for a long time and we're finally getting to the end of that journey--he gets his Masters in December. Life has been challenging and I think all the stress is getting to me.

Over the weekend I was looking at some of the pics Hubby had taken of me and my daughter and couldn't help but notice how old I'm looking. I said to him, "all the pics next to Lili make me look so old!" He just started to laugh and say, "anyone's picture next to her will make them look old! She's a baby!" While I know he's right, I can't deny the lines that have vertically made their mark along my cheeks (facial cheeks;)-the lines I notice every time I smile. Boo for getting old! I am complaining, I am!

But yeah, I complain a lot...I look at what isn't there and want to focus on what I have. I must say though, this morning, as I watched my baby crawl along the ground I couldn't help but to thank God for how perfectly healthy and beautiful she is. I feel so lucky to be her mom because she is such a gift.

it's been years

2008-03-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

I felt like writing on this thing again only for the sake of keeping an online journal. I know that that is a bit selfish but I really need to write and haven't done it in so long and am glad to get back to it. I'm not expecting anyone to read this thing but I realize, looking back, that even if no one else reads it...it's really an awesome way of keeping track of yourself and all that you go through from year to year. Glad to be back.

I am feeling the pangs of PMS tonight and just thought I'd announce it to the world. I start to feel nervous, anxious, worried, fearful, and try and control things even more than I normally do at a time when it's really the last thing that I should be doing. Anyway, I've begun to take strides towards controlling myself from trying to do too much. For example...I try and to some of the most stressful errands like paying bills online or looking at my taxes an hour before I go to bed because that's when I start to worry about it--tonight, I held myself back from doing that very thing. It was so hard but I saved myself from me.

Just a little milestone to share.

New Job, New Start, New Blog--finally!!!!

2006-01-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

For those of you out there that haven't heard from me in a long time. I so apologize. I've been M.I.A for a while since my work at JADAC began. I guess I was overwhelmed and worked too much--not to mention the odd second shift hours that killed my sense of humanity as well as any chance of a social life. I used to work 2-10:30pm Sunday-Thursday and worked Saturdays at the radio station. I still kept my radio job but guess what you guys!!!

I have a new job and a new sense of self. It feels great and I'm really looking forward to learning and being a part of a winning team. I now work for FOX 41 WDRB here in Louisville as Creative Service Coordinator. I handle FOX promos and also handle Public Service Announcements and decide when they'll air. I started this job on Monday Jan 23 and I'm writing this on my third day at work. They're in the midst of changing software programs and so it's been awkward for my manager to train me but I'm being a good girl and waiting patiently.

Bo is doing well and is studying non-stop. This equals boring time for us as a married couple but this will only last another 3-4 years! Yippeee! I support him, don't get me wrong. I just feel like I have to sacrifice a lot of what I want out of these years of young married life since he's so busy studying that we don't do much in the arena of socializing, etc. He is applying to "better" schools in efforts to get in to a good Engineering program. We'll see. The only sucky thing is that I think I'm gonna really like this job and have a sense that there's a lot of room to grow at this station. I just don't know how much more I'm willing to sacrifice for my career. I'm sick of moving and changing jobs and not being able to develop where I am. All I can ask for is God's will. I want Bo to do well but I also want to do well as well:) Nice play on words, eh?

Promise I'll write more--more often.
Promise.

such shame and guilt

2005-04-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

hola loved ones. i have been MIA and do apologize. i just had my head in the clouds and my mind hasn't been so clear. earlier i was reading roya's blog and it hit me how long it's been since i've felt that clarity of purpose. i hope that we can all get that feeling--and that we can all sustain it. i think it's the steadfastness in life that is the hardest. we all go through our ups and downs but when we're up...it's hard to really stay there=but i guess that kinda' defeats the purpose of life--i mean, always staying up--if there were no 'down' times, i guess we wouldn't really know when we were 'up' and doing all the right things and staying focused.

anyway. i just got back from a 6 day trip from chicago and feel great to be back. i looked out the plane window as we were heading in to our "final descent in to Louisville" and i saw how beautiful Kentucky really is. clear blue skies and the darkest and most lush green grass and trees. i really urge you to come and visit here sometime--to visit me and this beautiful land. it made me realize that although i'm not living in a huge city--atleast i'm living in a great environment where you can drink the water from tap and where you can take in all of nature and all it has to offer. it's just beautiful here!

on a different note, i got a fulltime job! yay! i shoud've mentioned this earlier but it still hasn't hit me. i'll be working at a drug and alcohol rehab center as an inpatient counselor. i'll be a lower level counselor and i'll be able to really learn on the job. the hardest part of this job is the population of dependent people that i'll be working with but it's also the most amazing aspect of the job. i'll be able to really learn alot about myself and to be able to also give hope to others.

i'll post an update once i start. i'll also continue my radio gig although i may have to drop sunday morning classical music hosting. i just don't want to work all the time and can't fathom waking up on sunday morning-working til 2pm and going in to my fulltime job that same day from 2-10:30pm. my new work schedule is from sunday to thursday.
yay!

Hmmmm

2005-03-16T15:09:00.000-08:00

Well friends. Things are looking up. I don't know how but they just are. The sun is out more, I'm opening up my eyes to new opportunities--although it's still very difficult to see why I should consider them. But then again, no, that's wrong...I see clearly that I should consider them because for some apparent reason I cannot find an opportunity that fits my profile. I mean, I can't get a job I like. In layman's terms, I'm pretty much screwed and can't turn down a job that I'm not all that interested in ESPECIALLY since I need the money. Shooh!

Alright, it was good to vent. I'm exhausted now. After a day of spending time at a potential workplace without getting paid and coming immediately to the radio station to host 5 hours of Classical Music programming...well, you can see why I'm tired.

G'bye for now. Or as the Chinese chatters say "88"--the number eight in China is pronounced Ba-Ba--so, being clever as they are (and they love the word "clever"), they developed that little quick way of saying Adios, TA-TA, Khodafez, Zai-Jian, Arivederchi (sp?), O'vua (sp?), Ciao!

in like a lamb, out like a lion...or is it the other way around?

2005-03-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

dude,

can the weather in louisville, kentucky be more confused? I think not. last weekend it was 68 degrees fahrenheit. today it's 38 degrees and snowing. whack is not the word. besides that, all is looking better. i worked all last week and this week i was lucky enough to land a temporary gig for the week that taught me that i do not EVER want to answer a phone at an office or make coffee. no, i do not and have never dreamed of being an Administrative Assistant but now that i have experienced it temporarily, i can say with conviction that it sucks and it especially sucks if you have to be under the wrath of some old dude who is still as insecure as he was as a zit-faced teenager. reason that this sucks is because this kind of guy that tends to be on the less confident side, will take his issues out on you in the form of a power trip. emails that he himself can print will be printed by you. coffee mugs that he should rinse out after using, will be washed by you. and the toilet seat will always be up even after his umteenth tinkle of the day--an investment in adult diapers might need to be considered for this sort of dude. anyway, it was an experience.

anyhoo. i've been trying to live life daily and not stress about what the next thing will be. i just can't care that much anymore. i don't mean that i don't care. but i guess the universe is working for us all and my time will come. i don't know what's gonna be my next step in the "circle of life" (think Elton John) but i am sure that i will find out.

so out with the old, in with the new! in like a lamb and out like a lion or whatever it is. let it happen and let it be, let me see! alright, i'm getting on my own nerves already!

better late than never

2005-03-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

i have been lost in a storm of brain fuzzies and it's just taken a long time to get clear. i'm not totally out of the clouds but i'm getting there. speaking of clouds, i was so desperate to find a job that i almost went to atlanta for 3 weeks to train to be a flight attendant for a chartered airline. when i told my parents, they were confused, to say the least. some people were happy for me that i found something and were even saying how great i'd be at that line of work--in the back of my mind i'm saying..."yeah, but i'd be good at a lot of things." i think i almost needed someone to say, "Tina, don't do it. It's retarded." My sister said it and my parents were not pleased and last night after finishing my shift at the radio station--it hit me. I would have to quit something i really enjoyed in order to have a fulltime job with benefits--true--but a fulltime job where i'd never know where i'd be--a job that is sooooo random--a job where i could possibly die doing--and a job that is kinda' lame now that i think about it (no offense if you are a flight attendant:) . So last night i was supposed to go home and pack for today's trip to atlanta--a trip where the ticket is already booked and the room is already booked (by the airline). Anyway, so i am not gonna go. I didn't sign any contracts and i even tried contacting them several times to let them know last night and today. i've had no call back from them and figure i've done what i could. i know it's irresponsible not to go at such late notice but at the same time, it would be unfair to waste their time in a 3 week training class. it was a hard decision to make since i'm financially defunct but i'm gonna save myself some remorse and sit this one out.

just thought i'd write to let you know i'm still here but haven't really been here for a long time. truly.

am i too old to stay out late?

2005-02-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

for the first time in forever i went out last night. i went out really late...10pm! hahah! back in the day, that would be early. nowadays, when i finish work at 9, i just wanna go home to a few hours of good old fashioned r&r. so the original plan was to go out saturday night after i finished my shift and catch a movie. that costs 15 bucks for me and my husband which, with only working part-time right now and trying to pay bills every month--sounded good to me. however, plans changed. apparently our new friend, who shall remain nameless, thought that going out to a club/bar would be more fun. well, since bo hadn't gone out in a long time, he thought, "why not!" I, being a total pushover, and putting aside the fact that i had to be on the air at 8:58am sunday morning, decided "sure, that'd be ok!" well, i was an idiot and now i'm paying for it.

went out to a club, watch a really bad drag show, spent over 50 bucks between the two of us on drinks (my hubby isn't a bahai and drinks from time to time) and i ended up leaving early (2am) to go home to try and get some rest. but, as luck would have it, since i was so smart and drank a redbull (a non-alcoholic drink since i'm a bahai and don't drink) at 1am--i get home and can't get to freakin sleep! i was soooooo pissed at myself and at the whole chain of events that led me to that point. why oh why oh why! why did i choose to go out on a night that i knew i had to get some sleep? why did i go to a place full of gay men dancing around? why did i go to a place where i knew we'd spend wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much money and forget our budget? why did i leave bo there with our friends when i knew he'd probably be out way too late and i'd end up worrying and not getting the sleep that i knew i needed so badly? why do i work at a classical station on sunday mornings after the supposed "most fun and free night of the week (namely, saturday)?" and why is it soooooooooo hard for me to wake up enough right now to realize that i'm still at work and have to be here for another 2 hours, listening to music that is so chill that it makes me wanna pass out right now?

i know i have to take responsibility for my actions but i'm really, really tired of always having to be responsible for myself and everything else these days. i need a holiday.

tard

2005-01-28T16:11:00.000-08:00

i'm tard and my errs are ringin! just a taste of kentucky for all y'all out there. well, as some of you know..i've been trying to get a fulltime job at the station i work at. the classical station had an opening but i didn't end up getting it. actually, it turns out that it wasn't fulltime+benefits and all that so it actually worked out for the best that i didn't get it. i am happier after finding out about that. i am writing this as i'm working at that very station right now. and i've come to realize that although i like radio and dj'ing---i don't love classical music. and i think that it's best i am not fulltime at this particular station. i guess my desperation in getting some fulltime job kinda' blurred my vision a bit. in fact, i've even looked at taking jobs outside of this field. i really have no idea what will happen to me but i have no control. it sucks, but that's life i guess. it's been good having friends to remind me to stay focused and grounded and to be patient. i've had my ups n' downs but i'm constantly trying.

to be or not to be patient

2005-01-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

do all good things come to those who wait? if this little saying is so true, then i pause to wonder, how long does one have to wait for the good thing to come? honestly, 3 months? 12 months? 2 years? i'm waiting and still haven't gotten my promised prize. i've been a good girl and have been patiently waiting for some big break to come my way. but, despite my efforts of making connections with people and whoring out my resume, NADA! so, if you ask me, the saying is a bunch of BS. a crock of crap. a load of @*#!

just wanted to put that out there.

I'm Aldified!

2005-01-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

Has anyone out there heard of the Aldi? It's the boooooooooooooooooooooooooooomb! Okay, if you're in to finding values then you will fall in love with this place. It's a grocery store that carries private, high quality label items at a really low price. It's got unbeatable prices. And if you're on a budget-this is the grocery store for you. You can buy all the stuff you want and not have to think twice about whether or not you can afford it. Those junkfood snacks you crave but think is a waste of money...well hell, for 69 cents for a huge pack, you can go for it! Bags of salad at 79 cents to 1. 59 depending on the style of salad. Vegetables and fruits are cheap as hell! You can get your broccoli, cabbage, avocados, navel oranges and bags of onions at a fraction of a price! I should work for this place! I even bought milk and other dairy items there (including egg not at 99 cents!) and it was good! Usually at places like this, I feel weird about buying some stuff, but most of the stores products are comparable to what you'd get at Publix or Kroger. The only thing I don't buy there are meat products. Otherwise, it's got it all!

If you're skeptical or if you just want to know more about Aldi, check out this website and see for yourself. You can also locate stores in your area. It's worth a drive when you can get over 50 items for less than 40-50 bucks!
http://usa.aldi.com/

Foggy Blog

2005-01-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days where you feel like your brain isn't connected to your spinal cord just so? Or that your mind is constantly hitting snooze? Today is one of those days...of course, it's only 10:08 am so things could definitely improve by the end of the day but I'm not gettin my hopes up. After 2 cups of coffee, I'm still totally zoned out. I've been doing a lot of shifts working at the classical station which can prove to massage your mentale so much that you become a bit hazy. It could be that I'm overly frustrated and utterly out of energy when it comes to trying to "think positive!" on my employment situation. Yes, I know what you're thinking...last blog was Sunshine and today it's fog...and I agree with you. I'm tired of my emotional weather system. I wish it could be a mild-60 degree-partly sunny day where you go and see a movie with an old pal and come home to snuggle up to a good few hours of tv before the work week starts.

In my world, every day is a day off. And so it's hard to be on. But, I'm trying and do my best not to call people and complain. I know it can be hard to listen to. That's why we can call on our old buddy the blog--to hash out feelings and sometimes, if we're lucky, entertain a golden few.

And to all a good night. Even though it's still daylight. Hit snooze and things will be alright. If only we could just unite and stop the fight for Mr. Dolomite and our Chinese Starry Starry nights of cheese and karaoke and calling everything nice, "lovely", and calling all things smart, "clever." Oh how I long for the days of old where eating at a restaurant on Changan Street was something to be told.

i've got sunshine on a cloudy day!

2005-01-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

imagine me saying this in an indian accent..."i've got sunshine on a very cloudy day, berta!" okay. so my best friend is indian and i'm persian and i still love imitating an indian accent once in a while which is politically unkind and probably incorrect and can have lasting negative effects on my relationship but tht still doesn't stop me! i love u though. really. okay...so let's get serious...
i am happy! well, for the moment atleast--cross your fingers!

someone at my station may be putting in their resignation and do you know what that means for me???? it means a hostile but happy takeover! hee hee heee...i'm not sure if this will happen but rumors do have it that it is quite possible that i could be landing a fulltime gig as a classical music host! hahahh! the sound of it makes me giggle and gargle and go gabbidy goooooooo--goo! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! this has happened all in week's time! also...i received an application in the mail from a local tv station here (another location i can walk to from my awesomely located apartment--did i mention i love my apartment location? obviously.) This application really had me confused since i applied for a job months ago and didn't get it. so i called the number listed on the app and asked what this was all about..the lady on the other line said they'd filed my resume a few months back and found that i'd be a good candidate for an associate director position that they had coming up and hadn't even posted publicly (hee-hee--i feel special). so i got a little ego boost and felt a little better that someone wanted me!

i am wanted! finally i am wanted!

hopefully all of this ranting and raving and getting all excited will amount to somefreakinthing by the end of this week. if not...well, then that's just life.

goodntired-sounds like guttentag!

2005-01-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

i'm good and tired. tired and good. i've come to the conclusion that all i can do is surrender. but i find that there is a fine balance between surrendering and laziness. i still haven't found that balance yet. for the last two days all i've accomplished are household tasks and mastered the art of being a good wife. i've supported my husband in his first few days at his new school--he's new to the U.S.--and have also managed to cook a meal or two. that's about it.

i love life. really, i do.

2005-01-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

i really love life and all it's challenges but am getting a little worn out. i've been looking for a fulltime job that i like since i moved to the u.s. but haven't found one. it's been a long time. really, i'm not exaggerating. i wonder if i did something really bad and now my karma is catching up to me or maybe it's God's way of testing me to be patient. but if He is...then how much longer am i gonna go through this?

if anyone is reading this...could you do me a favor and say some serious prayers for me to be able to get a job that pays well and that is a step in the right "career" direction. really, i'm not that picky...when i mean pays well--i really don't mean all that much. just enough to pay the bills and for a few trips to the grocery store. believe me...every bit counts. thanks guys...wish me luck!

unfriendly friends.

2005-01-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

It's the second day of the year and I'm wondering who my friends really are. The people I consider my friends aren't really being all that friendly. This isn't an isolated incident but something that has been going on for quite some time.

Currently I'm back in my hometown with few local friendships but am excited to start anew. As for old friendships that I consider a bedrock foundation to my life..well, I'm really wondering whether they really do exist.

At the risk of sounding like a total loser...why don't my friends call me anymore? I call people all the time and get answering machines and wonder whether or not to leave messages. I'm starting to take this a little personally and don't really know how to confront these people. Is it fair to expect a phone call every month or two? Could it be that my so called "friendships" are only fictions of my imagination? Is it because we live so far away? And do people want to be as close to me as much as I want to be close to them?

out with the old and in with the blue

2004-12-31T13:42:00.000-08:00

it's the last day of the year and i feel so blah today. i hate when i wake up and just can't "wake up." i wonder if it's just me or if other people go through this once in a while. i think i'm probably more prone to feeling lonesome and a little blue. it's a family thing i think. or maybe i'm just trying to put it on something it's not. anyway, i'm in the midst of cleaning the house up and feel unmotivated. i go to work again tonight for a full 3 hours. i have so much on my plate and it's subconsciously weighing me down. i have to find a fulltime job somehow because the bills will be arriving whether i like it or not.

then tonight is new year's eve and all these people are all hyped about it but i'm not. is there something wrong with me for not being a celebratory (is this a word?) person? what am i supposed to be excited about anyway?

it's 7:30 pm and i've been listening to classical music for 5 hours

2004-12-29T16:30:00.000-08:00

Okay...so I work for this Classical music station and today I had to come in and pull cd's for 5 hours of programming. I didn't realize how long it would take me to choose the music and then go searching for each and every cd in our hu-gi-normous-ungous music library. Anyway, I'm sitting in the studio right now and writing this and thinking about how I'll manage to do this each and every shift. I guess it's like everything else, once you do it enough, it becomes second nature. Like if you haven't worked out in a long time and you start to jump on that elliptical machine with zeal and manage to use it for a whole 10 minutes. Come to think of it, I need to really start working out as well. One thing at a time, one day at a time, one more time, one more night, one-a-day for women, one moment in time, once in a lifetime, one love, once again.

Goodnight my lovely friends. I love you all and to all a goodnight!

old friends new beginnings

2004-12-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

Had some lunch with some friends that I haven't seen in over 10 years. It's funny how long it's been since I made contact with these people. And now, after all this time, I still feel as if I have this deep connection with them. I wonder why I never attempted contacting them earlier. Maybe I thought that they wouldn't care to hear from me? Maybe I was being lazy? Or maybe I have forgotten how to appreciate the past and the people that were with me at crucial times in my life. There is something I've decided to do these past few days--it's that I will make a conscious effort to develop stronger relationships. I realize how much time I've wasted in building stronger ties to people and I regret the time lost. But, I am glad that I can stop my mental loafing and make a concerted effort at reconnecting with my past in order to develop my future.

Frozen

2004-12-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

I love my apartment. It has an amazing loft style and since the apartment is so long, feels like it has two living rooms in one. The kitchen is open to the entire living space and is quite modern. There are 4 very large windows opposite the front door and the bedroom is small but surprisingly cozy. All in all it's great...the only problem is that it's freezing!

This past week it has been extremely cold in Louisville. There approximates 6 inches of snow on the ground and conditions are terrible for driving. With this in mind, wouldn't you think you'd want to stay home and relax? For most people yes, of course...but for me--NO. We have had no heat for the past 3 days! During this time we have learned the art of layering. I know how to wear 6 shirts and still feel cold and wear 2 pairs of long-johns and look stylin'. I have been sleeping with 2 comforters and still wake up feeling like the tip of my nose will break off at any moment. Basically, it's been a little difficult.

However, I've learned to be patient and today, finally, someone shows up and tells us how to get the heat working. All he did was flip a switch on the fuse/breaker box and a blast of warm air hits me. Wow! Wouldn't it have been nice if, during this time of giving (so called "Christmas time"), apartment management would have sent this man to flip the switch 3 days earlier? Wouldn't it have been nice if they could have called all the tenants that had been complaining of no heat for the past 3 days during the coldest temperatures in Louisville and told them that all they had to do was flip a switch? Wouldn't it have been nice if instead of sending out X-mas cards, they would have posted a sign with directions on how to defrost your apartment?

I guess coming back to America, you realize that although we live in a country that prides itself on customer service and giving---that it's a pretty damn selfish and self-centered society. A place where everyone runs off to take care of their own family, a country where someone worries more about feeding their home-bound dog than a homeless guy by the name of Dirty Dan that lives in the corner of their apartments parking garage with little more than a plastic bag to sleep on. Wow! I love America...

Getting lucky in Kentucky!

2004-12-27T15:59:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog and I don't know what to write so since it probably won't be that interesting you might want to stop reading now. I guess I could start out by saying thank you to all of you out there reading this right now. It's nice to think that I have friends out there that are interested in what's going on in my life.

So Bo and I have moved from Atlanta back to my hometown of Louisville, Kentucky. Despite how it sounds, Kentucky is a lovely place to be and to dwell. I am living downtown in a beautiful high-rise building that was built in 1913. It has been redone and refurbished and I love it. It's a block from where Bo will go to school for the next year and 2 blocks from my work at the Public Radio Partnership of Louisville. I love not having to drive everywhere and thinking back on Atlanta and it's traffic problems--am glad I moved away from there! Another advantage to living in Louisville is being closer to the most important people in my life. My sister lives only an $80/45 minute flight away in Chicago and my best friend in the world, my husband (smiling) lives with me! Haahahah! Gotcha didn't I?

Those are the haps with me. At the moment I'm sitting in the studio hosting a Classical Music program on 90.5fm WUOL. I have no clue about Classical music but am really good at faking it! It's a great learning opportunity and I love the people I work for. I'm also working at another station just next door which airs Triple A format music--adult alternative contemporary (no it's not Celine Dion style music!)--91.9 fm WFPK. Both of my radio jobs are part-time at the moment but I'm praying for it to turn fulltime. The bad thing about radio is that, unless someone quits or just plain old dies, there aren't any open positions! Let's hope someone gets fired! I'm joking...REALLY.

Hahah! Thanks for reading my first entry. Join me each and every day or week or however long I can keep this thing up...for more stories on my adventures in bluegrass country (reference to Kentucky).